MOMMA Stories

 “MOMMA” “see  ya”   A-Rod  ! ……    

Well somehow,“Momma” also received a ‘baseball’ from Alex Rodriquez, while at the Yankee playoff game. She was directed to ‘A-Rod’s’ apartment, later that same night. When “Momma” knocked on his door, it took him forever to answer. He opened the door, wearing only his “B.V.D’s”, and clinging to a bottle of ‘Don Perrion’. “Momma” also noticed 2 ‘giggling’ blondes on his sofa. (It appeared that they forgot their ‘pajamas’). ‘A-Rod’ told “Momma” that she had the “wrong room”, “wrong guy” and “wrong world!“Momma” tossed the ‘ball’ into “Silver Lake”.

“MOMMA” no connections with the dope! ……

Good news!“Momma” has been removed as a ‘contributor’, to the Lance Armstrong ‘doping scandal’. For years, when Armstrong was rising to the top of his cycling dominance, “Momma” had been cooking for him privately. She provided him with his daily necessary ‘carbs’ (pastas). At one point, he pronounced her “The Goddess of Macaroni”. Last week’s ‘Armstrong’s’ ‘stool samples’; has vindicated ‘Momma’ of any wrongdoings. So keep in mind – While “very tasty”… “Mommas” cooking, will notgive you any “Superman” powers!

“MOMMA”what a relaxing night ! ……

Last week, “Momma”, in need of some

“MOMMA”  when will she learn?……

Last week, “Momma”, in need of some quick cash, set up an illegal “3 card monte” card stand, at the ‘San Gennaro Feast’ in N.Y.C. “Momma” put herself through ‘Euro Culinary School’ with her earnings from dealing the crooked card game. She had ‘easy pickins’ with all the tourists, at the feast. One problem – not the police, but  THE BOYS ! They wanted their ‘cut’, “Momma” said ‘no way’ ! One black eye, six chipped teeth and a busted nose – later… “Momma” was back on Long Island.

“MOMMA” ready for ‘the stage’ …… 

“Momma”, is somehow, trying to build up her confidence, for the next ‘karaoke’ nite, here at Novi. The last time, “Momma” became so nervous before her scheduled ‘karaoke’ song, that she drank a quick ‘cosmo’, a couple of shots of tequila and  a ‘red bull’. She became so ill; she ran out the back door and tried walking home. .  (the next day, she was eventually found, walking across  the ‘Tappan Zee Bridge’)      Stop by on Saturday, Oct. 6, and watch “Momma” perform – ‘Sweet Caroline’. (everyone seems to get ‘jerked up’ with that silly song!…  LA-LA-LA)

 “MOMMA”   start’n to look a lot better  ……

“Momma”, after looking in the mirror, decided it was time to ‘drop a few lbs’. Her doctor advised her not to continue eating ‘pizza & pasta’ every day and to exercise daily. She immediately cut down the ‘pizza & pasta’ to only 6 days a week and she enrolled in the ‘zumba’ classes at the gym, directly across from “Novi”. With the direction of Kristie, (the owner of  L.E.A.R.N.), “Momma” has ‘shredded’ almost   ‘3 ½ lbs.’. “Momma’s” golden rule“diet, exercise, no hard drugs & safe sex”

“MOMMA” good deed – goes bad  ……

This past week, “Momma” was invited into the ‘Direct T.V. Blimp’ at the “U.S. Tennis Open”, in Queens N.Y.  She prepared some veal parmigiana heroes for some ‘big shot’ IBM ‘birthday boy’. The views were spectacular! “Momma” surprised everyone with a’ birthday  cheesecake’ – however… when she went to ‘light’ the candles, ‘security’ slammed her to the floor, gun to her head, and shouted loudly… NO OPEN FLAMES!!! (while  dangling by her feet, “Momma” begged not to be ‘let go’,  when flying over ‘Rikers Island’)

  “MOMMA” a heart of‘gold’ ?……    

Olympic update:  “Momma’s” home from the ‘Olympics’, but not before hitting a ‘bump in the road’. Two days before the ‘closing ceremonies’, “Momma” was enjoying some ‘shots’ at a local London pub. Upon leaving, she picked up, off the floor, a lost “gold medal”. In need of some cash, she placed the ‘award’ on EBAY.  The next day, ‘authorities’ tracked her down and arrested her for ‘possession of stolen property’. They ‘roughed her up… a little’, and released her, only after she agreed not to attend any other ‘Summer Olympic’.                                                   (look for “Momma” at the 2014 ‘Winter Olympics’ in Russia)

“MOMMA”  the ‘vodka’ strikes again…..

Olympic update:  While still in London, “Momma” was asked to do a ‘cooking’ segment on the ‘Today’ show for NBC. She was ‘set up’ next to the Olympic pool, where ‘water polo’ was about to begin. “Momma” was to prepare her most desired dish – ‘Rigatoni vodka w/ mushrooms & hot sausage’Al Roker, (who has always had a ‘liking’ for vodka !), ‘polished off’ most of the ‘vodka bottle’ in between commercials.  He became ‘so sloppy’ that he knocked the charcoal grill into the pool. The pool needed to be drained, cleaned and refilled. NBC made sure that this segment – never became ‘public’.   Not even ‘MTZ’ aired it !     (nice cover-up guys)

“MOMMA”  ‘heavy hand’  hurts …… 

Olympic update:  “Momma” was not only ‘translating’ for the country of “Bangladesh”, she was ‘cooking’ for all their athletes. Slight problem – The other day she prepared ‘rigatoni vodka’. (she went “very heavy” on the already ‘strong’ Russian vodka). ‘Goofy’ things occurred …*the ‘archery team’ shot arrows at the ‘spectators’ in the stands !  *their ‘track & field’ guy ran the “hurdles” backwards !   *their entire  basketball team (right after tip-off), whistled & danced –  “The  Chicken  Song” !“Momma” was relieved of her ‘culinary responsibilities’ …. ‘poor Momma’ 

“MOMMA”    look   for her on T.V.…                   

Well it happens every 4 years, the ‘Summer Olympics’ and “Momma” will be there!  Not as a competitor, but as a translator. “Momma”, being ‘trilingual’, forgot to tell ‘the committee’ what languages she ‘spoke’. She was then assigned 2 countries, Yemen (Arabic) and Bangladesh (Bengali). “Momma” has very little time to become prolific in both.  (how do you say- ‘mozzarella & manicotti’ in those languages ???)  

[ and   —   she has to sing their “National Anthems” ]  

“MOMMA” watch  ‘when & where’ you hunt ……

For quite some time now, “Momma” has had to explain to her customers that although the restaurant is still sometimes called the ‘Venice Inn’, there is no “VENISON”, on the menu.  But… she decided to try that ‘meat dish’ as one of her weekly specials. “Momma” packed her ‘bow and arrow’, then headed ‘upstate’.  Later that day, she was arrested for hunting ‘illegally’. “Momma” soon provided the authorities with a 2007 ‘Nassau County PBA’ card, and they ‘let her go’, with only  a‘warning’.( No  Venison  Today ) 

“MOMMA”  quick  thinking……

This past week, once again, “Momma”  ‘ran with the bulls’, in Pamplona, Spain. This year, she ran ‘side by side’, “Antonio Banderas” and “Betty White”. Soon after the start of the race, Antonio ‘tripped and fell’. When he saw a ‘wild raging bull’ approaching him, he quickly ‘shielded’ himself by dragging “Momma” and Betty ‘on top of him’. “Momma” immediately tossed ‘the bull’ some ‘garlic knots’, and they all escaped – unharmed.  “Banderas”, (with a slight boo-boo)  left  Spain that afternoon !
( join ‘Novi’s VIP club’ – just text  ‘NOVI to  71441’   –  for “summer specials” )

“MOMMA”  just lookin to stay COOL, for the summer   ……

“Momma”, who is looking to get out of Novi’s ‘hot’ kitchen, for the summer, is looking for a ‘part time’ job. She first applied for a “lifeguard’s” position, at the beach, but ‘just because’ she can’t swim, she didn’t get the job. “Momma” intends on applying for a ‘roofers’ position and if that fails, a ‘presser’ at a ‘dry cleaning’ store.GOOD LUCK      MOMMA  !    

( join ‘Novi’s VIP club’ – just text  ‘NOVI to  71441   –  for “summer specials” )

“MOMMA”  She wins –  you win ! ……

When “Momma” hits the ‘jackpot’ in the lottery, she will be rewarding ALL her “loyal” customers. She is preparing a long list of potential ‘gifts’. If you are one of her “loyal”, take a peek at some of the ‘choice’ items that she will give away………..

  •  (4)  reserved seats –  Mets vs. Wash.  (sept. 10  7:00 p.m.)   {Almanac  calls for lite showers}
  • $10.00  voucher  –  Yonkers Empire City Casino    (monday mornings only)
  • 2012  ‘snow removal’ contract    “paid in full”    (Jan. thru Sept. 2012)
  • round trip for the entire family,  to Staten Island N.Y. (by ferry)   –  must meet in Battery Park
  • helicopter engine   (Viet Nam  era)   [a  pick-up ‘abroad’,  will be necessary]
  • ‘Mr. Potato Head’  game  (one  ear missing)
  • 19” COLOR  T.V.     (purchased  in 1996  – no warranty, no remote)

“MOMMA” the  ‘big top’ ……

Yes, the circus is in town!  This past week, “Momma” performed with the ‘trapeze artists’. She was supposed to have ‘swung’ from a ‘swing’ and be caught, but due to the fact that she had ‘fried’ 1 case of eggplant earlier, her ‘hands and arms’ were ‘slippery’, and she fell into the net ‘5’ times. Her ‘outfit’ also smelled of the ‘peppers & onions’ she had cooked that afternoon and triggered off a ‘mad eating frenzy’ among the ‘lions, tigers & elephants’.Sadly, the rest of the ‘performances’ were cancelled that day.
“Momma” was also supposed to ‘stand on’ 2  galloping horses, with 1 leg on each horse.   NEVER  happened !

“MOMMA”  a new year of  golf ……

With ‘spring in the air’, “momma hit the golf links. She wanted to test out her ‘new golf glove’ at Merrick Park Country Club. On the first hole, after swinging and missing, (repeatedly), she finally ‘dribbled’ one into the ‘water’s edge’.  “Momma” took 10 minutes looking for her lost ball, and heard the ‘cussing’ from the foursome behind, (and from the guys she was playing with). She eventually made it to the ‘green’, and after her 4th putt ‘sailed’ by the hole by 5 feet, the ‘boys’ said “that’s a gimme, pick it up”. “Momma” recorded an  8 (?) on the hole (and still had ‘honors’ on the next tee box!  “Momma” ‘packed it in’ after 3 more holes.  (Had to feel bad the ‘old goat’ when a seagull ‘moved in’ and ate her tuna fish sandwich).. Thank goodness she brought, (and drank)  blackberry  brandy !